November 2023

Warning: occasional cursing and frequent emotions


My Day:

Man it's been a while since I've been on here. I've honestly been feeling like I'm just sleepwalking through life lately. I don't mean that things have been easy bc they have not. I've just been doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive and not miss work. I've pretty much entirely given up the class I've been taking and any hobbies or attempts to improve my social life have gone on the backburner. My life revolves around going to work and then recovering from work. I really don't know how I'm supposed to live like this. I'm not even working crazy hours. I'm just autistic and apparently my capacity to deal with stress and social interaction is so low that even just three days a week is enough to destroy my life. I don't know how long I'll be able to do it. Maybe I'll quit at some point soon but then I'll just be living the full on NEET life and thats really not what I want. What I want is to be a normal person who can handle college or a job without breaking down into an absolute useless husk of a person.

As for my day I don't really have much to report. It's one of my off days which means that I haven't left my room and have been just been using the coping mechanism equivalents of junk food to try and stay sane and build up enough energy to go back to work again. Mostly long periods of maladaptive daydreaming bc pretending to be happy in a different life is easier than trying to do anything to make my actual life less miserable. I'm too tired to do much else anyway. I'm sorry this journal entry is so depressing. I'd love to make this recollection of fun stuff going on instead.

What I'm Jamming To:

When I heard this song I knew I'd love it from the very first notes. It's so dreamy and magical. Will I Ever See You Again? is solidly made its place in my list of all time best Red Velvet songs. Thats saying something bc rv is known for their incredible discography. Actually I might make a list of my favorite Red Velvet songs at some point. That could be fun.