October 2023

Honestly my day could have been worse but it still left me feeling really bad. I kept messing stuff up at work and feeling stupid. I hate it. I don't want my manager to be disappointed in me or for my coworkers to think I'm incompetent. I cried on the way home. I really want to be trustworthy and good at what I do but I feel like my life is a series of mess ups. I forgot to discount an item for one person and my manager had to fix my mistake and then I priced a pair of shoes incorrectly for another customer (because there aren't price tags on the shoes) but we can't do refunds and the manager was gone so we had to try and figure something out on the fly.

I ran out of food and I don't want to go to mcdonalds for lunch again tomorrow so I went to Walmart. As I was leaving my apartment I ran into all three of my roommates getting ready to go see the fnaf movie together. They were all dressed up and had clearly been planning this. I don't blame them for not inviting me but it kind of hit me weirdly today. They know I like five nights at freddy's too bc we've talked about it before. They just did all that planning and never thought "maybe Cyn would like to come". Not that they're required to invite me, it just would have been nice to have been asked. I cried in the car yet again while I drove to walmart. It's just a rough day I guess.

Well I guess what I said yesterday about not being prepared for class turned out to be irrelevant bc I slept though class today. I have a tendency to sleep suddenly or for really long times when I'm stressed. I don't know why that happens but I call it a hibernation response and I guess I triggered it last night. I'm in a pretty bad place when it comes to school right now. I tried to work on my programming assignment today and I'm just so lost. My dad called me and the conversation just devolved into me sobbing about how stupid I feel. I miss home and I miss my cat. I hate how hard being an adult is and I feel so lost when it comes to my future.

As far as my present though, I got a tofu wrap with a side of mac and cheese for my one meal today (because I woke up past lunch) from this restarant nearby. They're like an upscale subway but instead of sandwiches they do wraps and salads. They're pretty good! I also got my beautiful Sea Friend Bear delivered today. I only regret that I was too sad to fully enjoy her. OH also you might have noticed my website looks different. I added a new sidebar to the right side. Its useful but I can't decide if I really like it. I might just have to get used to it. That also gave me room to add more to my about me section so go there to learn some more random josie facts lol.

Things are going better at work. I mean I think my locker key is lost forever but aside from that, I feel more confident. I feel like I've gotten more comfortable with my coworkers which is really nice. I did think I was gonna pass out for a second today though. I was helping a customer move a little table with a built in sewing machine and I underestimated how heavy it was but I already told her I could handle it on my own so I had to carry it over by myself. I was stuggling hard but I got it over. I should have just given up bc I felt like I was dying but I felt too awkward to say I misjudged the heaviness. Idk thats probably a boring story lol

I'm worried about my classes though. I've reached a point where I do not feel like my programming ability is up to where it needs to be for these assignments. Or at the very least the deadlines. I might be able to finish these assignments with more time but my brain just takes forever to figure out stuff. I honestly don't think I can make it in this career path but that's basically how I feel about every career path. I'm hardly making it at my current job and I'd hardly call that a career. Ugh anyway class again tomorrow and I'm not prepared. I could be preparing right now but instead i'm doing this. -_- As always, thanks for reading and sorry about the depressing rant.

Finally a day off! I feel like I'm going insane. How do people manage to have jobs? It's only been two weeks and I can feel myself breaking down. I know I have to bc this is part of being the independent grown-up that I want to be. That doesn't make it any less grueling though. I think it's a combination of my constant anxiety and my constantly low social battery, but I'm always so tired at the end of a work day and I can't rest enough in one night to be ready for the next morning.

Today I slept until 3pm. I wanted to get stuff done but didn't really feel up to it. I did take a shower and I worked on my website. It's not finished yet but go check out my shines page. Theres finally something there. It's a care bears shrine. Speaking of which I bought a new one last night. I ordered a Sea Friend Bear off amazon and I'm so excited for her! She's been on my wishlist for a while now. I have class tomorrow but at least it's better than having work. Honestly I don't hate my job it's just exhausting and I'm worried that I'm going to burn out.

TW: Minor Injury (just to be safe)

Today was better than Saturday but I still felt more anxious than usual. I kept being worried that I would mess up and a customer would yell at me. Also the customer that was so mad at us for some reason filed a complaint to our bosses and supposedly said she has a video of how "terrible" we were. I can't imagine she'll get far with a video of me and my coworker being frightened of her and just trying our best to make her happy. Even knowing that, though, I am worried about getting a complaint. I don't want to be fired or anything. Especially bc I haven't found my locker key yet so if I got fired I couldn't give them back their key! I'm still looking though. It might be in my car or somewhere in the laundry.

As far as work goes, things were pretty chill today (if only I wasn't so anxious the whole time). We got to test and price some items which was fun. We also are in the process of replacing the old tags with new scanable price tags so we got to retag a bunch of stuff. We focused on the paintings today and I got my cuticle torn up on a picture frame. It bled a bit and it still hurts. I just remembered as I'm writing this that I wrote down a lady's name to be put on the list for when a display painting goes on sale and I forgot to give that name to my boss to actually put her on the list. Oh well at least I wrote it down so I won't have to remember it... granted no one throws the scrap of paper away while I'm gone tomorrow. Speaking of which I'm off tomorrow. Yay! I have class so I'll be doing that. I actually still might stop by the store though bc my grandparents left me some stuff I need to donate. Knowing me it will take me forever to actually do that.

I got Taco Bell for supper and the strawberry cream freeze is soooo gooooood. I might get Taco Bell again this week just for that freeze. Then I stopped by Walmart and went to my psychiatrist appointment. Since then I've been working on my neocities. I'm trying to add another side bar to the other side of the iframe but it's not working well bc I can't seem to get both the iframe and the side bar to work correctly at the same time. It's like you have to sacrifice one or the other. I might fix it or I might abandon this specific idea. Only time will tell!

I've been enjoying having a couple days off before having to go back to work again after how much Saturday sucked. Go read my 10-14-23 blog to hear more about that but I was legit scared of that pair of customers. Even today I thought I saw one of them when I was out for dinner and my heart started racing. I don't know what I'll do if they show up again. Probably just try not to have a breakdown on the clock. Moving on, my main project of today and yesterday was cleaning the giant grumpy bear I got at my thrift store job. His white parts were all yellowed which looks much better now. Yesterday I hand washed him in the bath tub with laundry detergent. That didn't take too long but then he took forever to dry. I started by having him up over my shower curtain for a while then I took him out to the balcony. It took overnight and then until about lunchtime today for him to get somewhat dry. From there I hit him with the hairdryer until he was only the slightest bit damp. I also did my laundry.

I spent most of the day working on my neocities and looking at other people's sites. I worry that maybe mine is a little too dull but I did get my first follower today. They complimented my site which made me feel nice. My grandparents stopped by today because they were driving past my college town on the way to the mountains. We ended up going to the old battlefield in town. It was kind of boring but I learned some history. Then we went out for catfish! All in all it was a pretty good time. I've gotta go back to work tomorrow so wish me luck. And I still haven't found my locker key ;_;

TW: Homophobia, Transphobia

Talk about a weird day. I was too tired to write this last night so you're getting it today lol. I had my worst day at work so far. I mean I know work isn't supposed to be fun but things kept going wrong and I kept feeling icky about stuff. To start off on a bad foot, I forgot my name tag, my lunch box, AND my locker key. Not like the lunch would matter anyway bc we didn't get a lunch break today. Apparently we don't get them on Saturdays bc the day we close early enough on that day for it to not be required. We had to do a lot of cleaning today which was okay but kind of gross. We found some rainbow tape and I got to hear how my coworkers actually feel about me bc of it. My manager saw it and asked why we had gay pride tape. My coworker A joked that we love everybody and we can love them out of hell. My manager said that you can love them all you want but they're still going to hell. I mean I'm not really surprised but I still felt kind of sick knowing thats how they feel and that they didn't know that a gay person was right in front of them. I felt like an imposter (haha among us).

And if that wasn't enough I also got to hear a little transphobia. We were putting up a flier that had some clipart of two people shopping and A said that it looked like one of the women had a beard and joked that we would be making everyone feel welcome with the flier. My manager replied that he wouldn't say that EVERYONE was welcome. Again I shouldn't have been shocked but I kind of was. Maybe I was expecting more of a progressive attitude because I know he goes to a nondenominational church. At least my coworker A seems somewhat accepting even if she thinks being gay means you're destined for hell. I'd still worry she'd think less of me though if she knew I was a lesbian or nonbinary. I also feel pressured to go to church by working there. Which is stupid bc I know that I hate listening to sermons and I don't even really believe in the Bible but I actually was considering trying it again bc of the peer pressure.

Anyway we had probably the worst customer experience I've ever had. There were these two ladies (a mother and daughter) who came in and were just terrible. They came in and got a ton of clothes and brought them to the dressing room. As you might expect they hogged the one dressing room for ages and we had to direct other people to try stuff on in our bathroom bc they were waiting so long. Also while they were in the dressing room they loudly shit talked the store and the employees (they said they clearly only hire idiots and we probably couldn't turn the pages of a newspaper) which I know bc the dressing room shares a wall with my manager's office. He came out to tell me and A about it. They left a huge pile of clothes in the dressing room for us to sort and put away which took forever. They then continued to shop for a loooong time making a huge pile of stuff on our back counter that we knew would take a long time to check out.

Because we were getting close to closing, my coworker suggested we start putting the items in the pile in the system to be ready to check out faster. The daughter got really mad and snapped at us. She seemed to think we were trying to scam her bc she didn't know if she wanted to buy everything yet. We tried to assure her that we would have still been able to remove anything she didn't want but she was really mad. When the pair was done shopping they were going through the big stacks and after a while the daughter was just standing there with her stuff so I said she can "just let us know when she's ready to check out" she rolled her eyes and the mom said sarcastically "we can speak just fine". The daughter came over to the front counter with her stuff and proceeded to demand that she be allowed to bag everything herself. She also said she wanted to hand everything to me herself and for me to only check things out in this specific order. As you can imagine, this took forever and there was a line behind her waiting to check out. When I asked for a phone number she seemed offended and said there was no number she'd willingly give us. She seemed to be implying we'd be doing something sinister with her phone number. At this point I am so nervous I'm actively shaking while checking out her stuff. I'm terrified of saying anything bc everything I say makes her more angry. She scoffs when she see's the donation screen on the card reader and says "Oh you're really gonna ask for a tip?" we explain that it's not a tip its a donation to the ministry that does not go to us personally but she doesn't care.

It's finally time for round two and I ask her mom to bring her stuff to the front counter. Specifically I ask "Can you bring that around to the front for us?" And both of them scoff angrily and the mom says "I don't know if I CAN" sarcastically. My autistic self doesn't catch it at first and says "we can help if you need us too" as kindly as I can which obviously they did not appreciate. At this point we are past closing time and there's still I line behind them so my manager comes out to help. He's doing everything he can to make them happy even giving them discounts of certain things but nothing he does helps deescalate the situation. I make a huge mistake in not asking for her phone number. I saw how asking for one upset her daughter and assumed she wouldn't want to give me a number either. She gets upset that I didn't ask and says that she wants to get points on her purchase but since I already passed that screen my manager has to go do it manually in his office. The daughter implies that she will be reporting us to the ministry which we will probably hear about soon. I'm actively trying not to cry because I'm so overwhelmed. The purchase is eventually over and I feel a dark cloud lift as I get to check out the people who were patiently waiting in line behind them. I was still shaken up as I closed up the register but I felt better when our manager assured us that he was on our side and that those people were terrible.

I have more that happened yesterday (I went out to ice cream and dinner with a friend and she brought me a candle which was nice) but I spent all this time telling this long story. I actually left out some of the details to make it shorter and it still was super long. Also as a footnote I don't think my manager or my coworker is a bad person and as long as they don't hurt anyone with their beliefs I respect their right to have those beliefs. I really do like both of them and it just makes me feel kind of icky to know that they would probably think lesser of me if they knew the truth. So yeah that was my day! If you read this whole thing, thank you. You're the best and here's a kiss for you (^3^)

Happy Friday the 13th! I had work again today and I brought a turkey sandwich for lunch. It was a nice one too! I made it this morning with honey baked turkey, provolone, mayo, and spinach. I might make another one tomorrow because my plan to bring leftovers tomorrow fell through (I was really hungry and didn't end up with leftovers). Or I could bring a salad.. we shall see. VERY INTERESTING I KNOW! Today at work I worked with a girl I hadn't met before who I will call A. I was supposed to work with M too but she had an incident that morning where she had to go the hospital (don't worry she's alright). I was actually only supposed to work half the day but since there was only two of us there my boss asked me to stay to closing. A was really nice but also kind of flighty. She kept leaving me alone so she could find clothes to buy. She did bring me snacks though and was generally really fun to be around so I can put up with it.

We were switching over to a new system of checking people out today. It will eventually let us scan tags instead of putting things in manually which will make our lives easier. However, until the new tags are rolled out, it means that we have to do the same manual entry thing but in an even more complicated way ;-;. Oh also a lady came in saying she was overcharged the other day and I'm almost certain it was my fault. I felt so bad! Luckily my boss didn't try and figure out who did it or do any type of big speech so I just got out with my guilt and no public embarrassment. My boss kind of reminds me of my dad so it would feel even worse for him to be disappointed in me.

On my break I found a cute dress. It's black and lacy and kind of spooky looking. This is the second day in the row that I found something cute in the store during my break. Yesterday I found the treasure of all treasures: a giant grumpy bear plush for $5! Here's what he looks like. This picture is from an eBay listing that prices him as $65!! I got such a deal!

He's so cuuuuute! I might wash him soon but as for right now he's just sitting on my couch being adorable. In other news since my last blog, I cut myself baby bangs. They weren't really supposed to be so short but sometimes things happen when you cut your own bangs lol. I also had a midterm exam on Wednesday which I think went decently but there's no way to know yet. Okay thats enough for now.

Big day, folks! I started my new job. I was so scared I wouldn't make it on time this morning bc I wanted to get starbies first. There's one on campus that not too far from my apartment but its faster to drive. I wasn't expecting how terrible the parking would be though. I ended up checking three parking lots before deciding to just go back to my apartment's parking. At this point I'd wasted a considerable amount of time and would have just called off the Starbucks plan if I hadn't already made the grub hub order. I didn't want to be that person who abandons their grub hub order so I walked there as fast as possible. I was basically sprinting. It all worked out though bc I got my latte and breakfast wrap and still made it to work on time! Funnily enough I was convinced I would be late and then Fast Car came on which weirdly lifted me spirits like YEAH I DO HAVE A FAST CAR!

When I got there I had a bunch of papers to fill out and one of them was a statement of faith which I felt a little weird about. I'd say I'm more agnostic but I'm willing to play up some christian energy if I must since the shop is run by a ministry. Speaking of christian energy, before opening all the branches of the ministry got together at the main building for a morning meeting but most of that meeting was this guy talking about how he got saved. There also was a prayer that got pretty pro-israel which... umm. After that I got to opening to store with my new coworker M. She was so sweet and nice and has such cool hair (its pink and blue with tinsel in it). Her whole vibe is much less churchy than the rest of the crew which makes me feel less like I need to put on an act. My boss is cool too. Apparently he used to be on broadway?? Wild.

I think I got the hang of things quickly enough but the process of checking someone out is so complicated I'm terrified of messing something up. You have to check out everything manually because there's no scanning and half the things don't have price tags so you just have to remember how much it's supposed to cost. I'm actually really nervous about fucking up even though I don't think I did today. That was with help from M though. I was alone for about 30 minutes though while she took her lunch break. As for my lunch I need to buy a lunchbox so I didn't pack anything. (Next time I'll make a sandwich I think.) Instead I ate one of the break room muffins. Lunch was kind of fun though bc I got to sit with a group of older ladies who worked at different sections of the ministry. They were all really fun and lively and joking around. Very golden girls vibes.

After lunch I thought I'd be fine without a real meal but my stomach started growling loudly as I was checking people out. Nothing else too exciting happened. I did cashier stuff and occasionally talked to M, usually about the music which was oldies instead of christian today. We joked a few times about this song about a guy splishing and splashing in a tub every time the playlist wrapped back around to it again. After work I drove home, hung up my new uniform shirts, and made myself a microwave dinner. (It was an Amy's Bowl.. they're so tasty). I then watched an episode of one piece and finished my c++ homework. I also have a test tomorrow which I should have studied for but I did not. Wish me luck on that -_-

Happy Lesbian Day folks! I’m a lesbian and this is my day! Today I didn’t quite wake up at my goal time but I did still get up fairly early. I went to the gym for a bit and then fiddled with my neocities for most of the day. For supper I went out with my roommates to mickey d’s. I was judged for my filet-o-fish lol. Then we went halloween decoration shopping at Spirit Halloween and Target. (As if the apartment isn’t spooky enough already). We ended up finding these adorable little witch hat lamb chops and we each got one.

I tried to wake up early this morning and FAILED. Also I think the fact that I wanted to be awake while I was asleep this morning gave me stress dreams. When I woke up I went to walgreens to pick up my meds then I got a fish sandwich from Burger King except they forgot the lettuce. Not bad but would have been better with lettuce. When I got back to my apartment, my roomies were getting together an apartment meeting about the broken ac. We ended up all 4 of us sending a request to management. Then I worked on my website a bit before one of my roommates asked if I wanted to go to panara. He and I hung out for a bit afterwards too and he let me take a couple hits off his weed vape. (Is that what you call it? Idk I don’t vape) Now I’m gonna watch some One Piece. ^_^

Big Day! I got hired! I had my interview at the thrift shop where I found that cheer bear this morning and it went really well. It is associated with a Christian ministry but it doesn't seem like that will come up much for me personally. It does mean that they only play christian music in the store, though, which kinda sucks. I had to listen to a lot of christian music growing up and most of it is.. not great. But aside from that I'm super excited. I start next Tuesday. After that I went home and I actually cooked for once. I made a tuna noodle casserole! I had that for both lunch and dinner. It turned out okay but next time I'm adding more tuna and maybe more cheese.

When I was done with my lunch, I spent some time finishing my homework. I would have turned it in too but for some reason the drop box isn't open for it. Hopefully the prof fixes that tomorrow bc thats when it's supposed to be due. I started watching a YouTube video after that but was so sleepy for some reason and passed out. I woke up and like 6 pm all sweaty and confused lol. I'd say it would make it hard to go to sleep tonight but knowing me I'll get to sleep fine. I'm a very sleepy person! I'll need to work on getting up earlier for my job, though. I'll try to get used to an earlier alarm for the next few days.

I woke up late today and had a super stressful dream. I think that's my fault for going to sleep so late though. I still made it to class on time after grabbing a tofu wrap for lunch and I honestly did not pay as much attention as I should have because I'm not great at working with structs. Idk why but I find them difficult to deal with. After class, during my lab, I ended up talking quite a bit with my computer neighbor and he complimented me which was nice. He clearly has more faith in my coding skills than I do but that's probably because I've helped him with his labs before. Confession: He told me his name weeks ago and I have no memory of what it is. Maybe Bryce?? Who knows? After that, I went to the library and worked for a couple hours on both my homework and my neocities website.. mostly the website. I also got a muffin and a blonde vanilla latte from starbucks while working. I kind of regretted getting the blonde vanilla latte. It's way too weak tasting but I hadn't had it in a while and I heard that the blonde roast is more caffeinated. Anyway after that I've been listening to a podcast and working on my homework some more at home. I had some turkey jerky but I haven't had a real dinner yet. We'll see if I decide to eat anything else before bed or not.

So I had a pretty eventful day. I had a job interview scheduled at a children's museum at 2 but then before that I got a phone call. This was a call from another place I applied to which is a thrift shop in town. I hadn't been there before so I decided that I would go and scope it out before my museum interview. Let me tell you, this place is weird as hell and I love that about it. It's got a layout that makes me think it used to be a house someone lived in because everything is separated into different rooms and hallways like a thrift maze. It kind of smelled gross and my clothing finds were underwhelming (not much fit my vibe and the few cute things I found weren't in my size). I did, however, find something wonderful! I didn't even see the toy section at first because of the maze-like nature of the store but when I did there was a perfect condition 2002 cheer bear waiting for me. She's so clean and fluffy and still has the tag on her ear! If thats not a sign I don't know what is! So we will see if my cheer bear luck carries into that job interview on Thursday.

As for my actual job interview of the day we aren't there yet in the story. There was still time to kill and I wanted to get lunch. I looked on my phone to see what was nearby and there was a pretty reasonably priced Italian place really close which sounded pretty good. I probably could have walked from the thrift store but I moved my car over anyway and was greeted by these huge doors. When I walked in it was obvious that, much like the thrift shop, this used to be someone's house and a very old fancy house at that. I felt kind of awkward like I was a guest in someone's home having lunch rather than in a restaurant. The eggplant parm was really good though. Plus I got to eavesdrop on two older ladies talking shit the whole time.

Now for the actual interview! I went to the front desk at the children's museum and I wasn't late but the lady I was supposed to ask for was already waiting for me. She seemed really nice and sweet and asked a lot of weird questions. I don't know how my personality as an ice cream flavor relates to me being good for a job but maybe that important somehow. Like it's a no cookies and cream establishment lol. Anyway I feel like I did alright but then at the end she said she would need three references which I am DREADING. I do not want to have to call up people for favors. And it's not like I have many people ready and willing to sing my praises! I've only had one job which I got fired from and I'm barely making it through college.

We'll see what happens with that but to continue my story of the day, I chilled at home for a few hours and then left for my psychiatrist appointment. I burst out crying when she asked me about how things have been so yknow thats a good sign about how my life is going. After that (yes I'm still going) I stopped by Walmart because there wasn't much food left in my apartment plus I want to make a tuna casserole sometime this week and I needed some ingredients. Since then I've been in my room, ate a hot pocket for supper, and started making a neocities site. I may at some point get it to a point I'm happy with but that day is certainly not going to be today, tomorrow, or the day after that. Tis the struggle of having a mental image of what you want and none of the technical know-how to do it.